A Sweet Guy Broke My Heart
A Sweet Guy Broke My Heart
Papi, will I ever trust again?
¡Hola Papi! is the preeminent deranged advice column from writer and author John Paul Brammer, now living on Substack! If you’ve ever wanted advice from a Twitter-addled gay Mexican with anxiety, here is your chance. Support this column by sharing it and subscribing below, or by upgrading to a paid subscription for access to more columns. Send Papi a letter at holapapiletters@gmail.com
¡Hola Papi!
I had my heart shattered a few months ago, and I still haven’t fully recovered.
I had (what I thought was) a great relationship with a wonderful man. He never brought up any problem he had with me, and he constantly reiterated how lucky he was. When he abruptly left, he said it was due to his declining mental health. Even then, he said I was the greatest person in his life, and asked me not to disappear. I asked him if he was cushioning the blow and pleaded for honesty. He reiterated that he was being honest—he wanted to be my friend, I made him a better person, I’m the sweetest person he knows. He said that my support was so helpful to him, and he wanted to remain in contact.
In the months since, I have doubled down on therapy. I’ve read books, listened to podcasts, tried to foster my other relationships, taken myself on dates, and cried and cried. I’ve tried to get myself to a place where I could truly be his friend and support his life choices (even if they aren’t the choices I’d like him to make).
And you know what? He hasn’t reached out. Not once.
He always responds when I reach out, but it’s usually just him talking about stress or work. I’m happy to hold that space, but I worry that he’s just placating me. I’m just doing what was literally asked of me. Light contact, not disappearing, etc. If he had originally asked me to lose contact, I’d be gone.
I feel an overwhelming sense of grief and shame. This is the second heartbreak. Was I just some naïve kid? Should I not have believed him? I understand he couldn’t be in a relationship, but I thought we meant something to each other as people. Why say (while crying) that he wanted me in his life, and then not reach out? How could I have gone from ‘the greatest person’ to nothing? Did I do something wrong? Did I punch his mom?
I feel valueless. I feel disposable, like a CVS receipt. And now, how will I be able to trust what others are telling me? I worry that I’m in The Truman Show, and everyone knows the secret: I don’t really mean anything to anyone.
If the most incredible and loving man was able to lie so convincingly to me, how do I trust other people? How can I trust what anyone says? I just want authentic connection and to see my loved ones succeed. I don’t want to be messed around with anymore. And I don’t know if it’s worth trying.
I hope you, and your heart, are doing well.
Signed,
Apparently Disposable
Hey there, AD!
I think you’d remember if you’d punched his mom. Punching someone’s mom is something you really have to commit to as it is incredibly likely to permanently alter your dynamic with that person. Readers, please reach out to me before you decide to punch someone’s mom, and I’ll probably tell you not to. Unless it’s necessary. In which case, we can discuss technique.
Moving on.
How shall I word this? There are people out there who are outwardly soft, who come off warm and cuddly, who self-deprecate and fill your ears with sweet words, and they suck. They avoid conflict and necessary conversations and drag things out longer than they should because they want to have their cake and eat it too.
They want to be liked without having to like you back. They want to call off relationships without having to be “the bad guy” and make a clean break. I’m not saying these are bad people, per se. I’m sure they’re battling demons of their own and have issues that lead to behavior like this. But I’m saying this kind of person can cause a lot of confusion that leads to suffering.
When you mention that he never brought up any problems, well, that’s not necessarily a good thing. In every relationship, there will be issues, and they ought to be brought up and discussed with mutual respect. No dynamic is perfectly smooth all the time, and keeping your problems to yourself can fester into resentment.
I don’t know exactly where it came from, but it seems like for years now there has been a cultural trend of, oh, what to call it? Let’s say “therapy-flavored everything.” Not considering another person’s needs becomes “self-care.” Avoiding conflict becomes “radical softness,” or something. The colors and figures of the ads on the subway are all but kneeling down and cooing over me while rubbing my back, saying, “there, there.”
This is certainly not me coming out against therapy. I would actually say therapy itself doesn’t have much to do with it. It’s more that people have figured out how to boil down the trappings of therapy to a concentrated syrup and are infusing it into absolutely everything to make their behavior seem “healthy” or their products seem “like your friend.” It’s an aesthetic justification for stuff they were going to do anyway, only, hopefully, they can feel better about it now, and you can’t argue with it.
All around us, there are things that give off the vibe of kindness, but aren’t necessarily kind. Him calling things off with you and moving on might not have felt kind in the moment, but it would have spared you some suffering.
Take the nice words off the table. Take away the “you’re the greatest person in my life” and the “I don’t want you to disappear” and the “you make me a better person.” Is he treating you that way? Does he make you feel that way? No? No. So it’s up to you to recognize that and move on.
Thing is, you actually don’t need this guy to be a bad person or need him to do something outwardly evil to cut him out of your life. You’re not happy in this dynamic. That’s enough. I think you’re holding on because you don’t want to believe it was a waste of time, don’t want to believe that you “fell for it” by buying into his kind words.
But, you know, it’s not really about that. If you enjoyed your time together as a couple, you can keep that. There’s not a winner or a loser here. It’s just not working anymore. Take whatever lessons you can from the experience and keep it pushing. You will meet other people, and when you do, you’ll be able to better identify what you want and don’t want, what your red flags are, and how you communicate. That’s life.
You will trust again. And, yes, you might get “messed around with” again. Some things are inevitable. But when it happens next time, you might have learned a thing or two about how to identify and handle it, even if it’s dressed up as kindness.
I actually find CVS receipts pretty intimidating. They are so long, and they take their sweet time coming out. Kind of powerful.
Con mucho amor,
Papi
HUGS to you and Papi. Never feel bad for doing good. You are not disposable; We are all here for a purpose. You were good to this person. Now, continue to be good to yourself.
Hey JP! I think your assertions about the self-serving nature of "radical soft" types is right on the nose. But as it relates to this particular letter...I think there might be alternate explanations for what's going on that this letter writer isn't considering!
The writer takes it as a given that the ex-boyfriend has intentionally deceived her, but considering what actually transpired between them, I think that if you instead work from the opposite premise—that the ex has been truthful—his behavior is actually pretty easily explainable. He claims to have broken up with her due to "declining mental health." The writer doesn't expound on what type of mental health issues are potentially at play, or if they'd seen signs of this during the relationship, which limits our perspective as readers, but even so: when you're very depressed, or in some other type of mental health spiral, it can be exceptionally hard to reach out to friends and hold space for them. In my own life, I have pushed friends away just when I needed and wanted them most, simply because I felt like shit and was convinced that I was unlovable and unworthy of them. It's entirely possible that the ex truly meant it when he said he wanted to remain friends, but is in too dark of a place to be able to reach out to the writer. This would also explain why he "only talks about stress or work" when the letter writer reaches out: he could be so depressed that he can only really think about his own stress, or in such a bad headspace that he's trying to keep things on the surface to prevent the writer from seeing the depths of his distress. Mental health issues being the genuine cause of his behavior doesn't mean he's totally off the hook for being a bad friend to the writer, but it would change the balance of the situation significantly.
What honestly worries me, regardless of whether mental health issues are to blame for the ex's behavior, is that the writer has assumed one particular interpretation of the events to be true, even though other sensible possibilities exist—and, as it happens, the interpretation is an emotionally damaging one. It seems that the events have tapped into some pre-existing fear of abandonment or other belief that the writer has about themselves about their desirability as a friend and partner, which, in my experience, can make it really hard to see the forest for the trees because it's just so painful. If I were the writer, I would probably point out to the ex that he never reaches out and isn't fully present when reached out to, and explain to him that it makes the writer feel bad. His reaction will provide the writer with insight on how to proceed: if he apologizes and then begins to make more effort, great, but if he says he's going to do better and then doesn't make any changes, they'll know that he was in fact trying to keep them at a distance (or is just not in a place right now to maintain any real friendships) and can try to make peace with that.