Am I an Ungrateful Author?
Am I an Ungrateful Author?
Papi, I thought publishing my first book would feel better than this
This column is for paid subscribers to ¡Hola Papi! As a paid subscriber, you can read all the columns, leave comments, and send me a letter with a better chance of being answered! Either leave it in the comments or send it to holapapiletters@gmail.com and note up top you are a paid subscriber.
¡Hola Papi!
I have great news—a novel I’ve spent many years working on is being published in a couple of months! So why do I feel so utterly miserable and lonely? I find myself fixating on everything I don’t have (a U.S. publisher, not being on a “debut to watch for” list) and then hating myself for not shutting up and appreciating my privilege. (I should note that while the novel is fictional, it has obvious autobiographical elements).
I am also having recurring nightmares about my mother, who was emotionally and physically abusive when I was a child. Though she is calmer now (and we live in different countries) she will be coming here for the book release, and I’m scared she will hate me and want to cut me off after reading the book. Everyone who has read the book, including my sister, says the mother character, while flawed, comes off human and sympathetic. But I doubt my narcissistic, hyper-sensitive, and moody mother will see it that way. (Cutting her off is not an option—I don’t even think she sees how she treated me as abuse, and the words “emotional abuse” would make her laugh. We grew up in a different, nonwestern culture.)
How do I enjoy the achievement of this dream without being afraid my mother will ruin it for me? More than that, how do I become more thicker-skinned, able to face criticism without taking it personally? In many ways this book feels like the thing that helped me heal; so I am terrified that if people pick it apart, I will lose all the progress I have made in terms of healing.
The anxiety around this has made me feel practically radioactive, ready to explode (I’ve snapped a few times) even at my 9-to-5 when people ask me simple questions. I spend my lunch breaks at the church across the street crying. Not always, but at least once a week. I have a therapist and when I spoke to her I was feeling great; but then, a few days later, miserable. I’m so moody and anxious. Please help.
Yours radioactively,
Not Grateful Enough
Hey there, NGE!
First of all, congratulations on the book! That’s wonderful news. There are a few questions in your letter, so let’s get started.
What you’re feeling right now is entirely par for the course when it comes to publishing. These are the post-book blues. When you think about it, doesn’t it make sense? You poured all that time and effort into something and, consciously or not, built up expectations along the way about what crossing the finish line would feel like. But like most journeys in real life (as opposed to fiction), things don’t end in a big cathartic moment. We have to keep going after we hit each peak, and they are often followed by, you guessed it, valleys. This can feel anticlimactic.
Let’s table the gratitude thing for now. I’m sorry to say, gratitude doesn’t always serve you! But I’ll get back to that. Let’s first talk about why it’s so common to experience sadness after the completion of a major project or a life goal, which is a phenomenon not exclusive to writers, and why it can feel so confusing.