Am I Done With Dating?
Papi, I'm thinking of throwing in the towel
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¡Hola Papi!
A little over a year ago, I went through a painful break up. The gist of it is that a year into us dating, my ex's brother committed some crimes that made it unsafe for him to be around children (the kind of crimes that get you put on a registry). My sister was, at the time, 14 (long story, we're 18 years apart, same parents. She wasn’t planned. Mom was 47 when she was born).
Anyway, there was no reason for his brother and my sister to be in the same room, but as we started talking about moving in together and joining our lives, it became clear that we were not on the same page about my sister's safety or about the implications of what his brother had done. It came to a pretty nasty, sudden head. He accused me of not having any sympathy for him or his family, and ended our relationship. All I said was, "I have concerns about your brother and my sister being in the same room together. Maybe the first time our families meet, it should just be our parents to simplify things?"
It's been over a year. I'm on the apps. The idea of a boyfriend sounds enticing, but the actual physical reality of it still holds no appeal. I keep trying to psyche myself up for dates, but when I'm actually there in the chair across from someone new, I feel like I'm acting out enthusiasm. The dates I've gone on have for the most part been really pleasant, but even then I just want to go back and hang out with my cat. I just don't feel like I have the energy or desire to sift through a bunch of people to find someone I'm actually compatible with. I frankly feel tired and numb.
How do I get myself out of this rut? As much as the caftans and gay resorts sound kinda fun to me, I feel a little young to be a spinster. How do I move past all the apathy?
Love,
The Young Spinster
Hey there, TYS!
Don’t judge me, but I did have to look up the exact definition of “spinster.” I had a pretty good idea that it referred to an unmarried older woman, but was worried it was one of those words I only think I know, and is actually some sort of antiquated slur. Apparently, it’s rooted in the middle ages and references unmarried women who spun wool. The Cambridge Dictionary warns that it is “likely to be offensive.”
Sounds fraught! But it does communicate the gist of your anxiety, one that many of us wool-workers share: Am I destined to be single for life? It’s a big question with no concrete answer, so let’s first focus on things that are more under our control, and then we can return to the more esoteric issues before wrapping up (it’s hard to address love, loneliness, and age without going deep).