Am I the Manipulator?
Papi, maybe I don't deserve a relationship
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¡Hola Papi!
With all the recent news about manipulative partners, I’ve been feeling particularly sore. In every relationship, I've felt pressured to conform to my partner’s spoken and unspoken standards. I honestly think this is because I was dating people who didn't like me very much!
But in return, I also held them to standards both spoken and unspoken, and went above and beyond in a way I could see being called "love bombing.” For me, it felt like penance for being the problem in the relationship. I've done so many things I regret and feel shame and guilt over to the point that it makes me nauseous.
For example, I would bring up feeling insecure and jealous about partners’ friends, not in an effort to control them, but to seek comfort. They ended up changing their behavior anyway in a way that made it clear I was at fault for bringing it up. When I was 15 I scratched someone I was dating in a moment of anger and they bled. I'm in therapy, but I keep seeing people say that therapy only makes an abuser more effective, and I worry that's what I am.
I have certainly been a victim of abuse myself, so I'm afraid I will never know what the healthy thing to do is. I've hurt people, regardless of my intentions. I feel like perceiving myself as inherently bad isn't going to make my relationships any better, but I don't know how to forgive myself. Papi, do I even deserve to move on?
Signed,
Guilty Party
Hey there, GP!
There’s a lot to get into here, so I guess I’ll start with what it means to be a bad person.
Perhaps this is intuitable information, but most people don’t like to entertain the idea that they have caused harm. It makes them sad, or anxious. After all, it’s a frightening prospect. What is a “bad person,” if not someone who hurts people? And I don’t know many people who want to be a bad person.
But, of course, this instinct to eschew self-reflection is precisely what keeps people from modifying their behavior. I understand the fear. Bear with me as I try to explain myself. I’m not sure if it’s a trend or if this has always been the case, but there’s a popular notion that behavior stems from a place of innate, absolute identity. People, when situated in this ideological framework, can’t really change. They are who they are. Bad people are bad people. Every good thing a bad person does is part of their meticulous facade, and every bad thing they do exposes them for who they truly are.
Behavior can only confirm what was always true. A person’s actions can only expose them, never change them. Either they were deceiving us all along with their performed goodness, or they were showing their true colors. This goes the other way, too, a la “the halo effect.” A perfect, squishy cinnamon bun of a person can’t possibly do wrong, because we like them. I mean, just look at them! And so on. It’s all a bit Calvinist.