Am I 'Too Straight?'

Papi, my friend group's jokes are getting to me

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¡Hola Papi!

I’m a 20-something bisexual woman, currently in a pretty chill long-term relationship with a bisexual man. I’m lucky to have an awesome queer friend group that loves to watch campy movies and musicals and go out for karaoke. We are those loud people at the karaoke bar who sing Rocky Horror songs and do the audience callbacks. One of my lesbian friends from this group recently asked me, “If you had to pick a karaoke song to sing with me, what would it be?”

An excellent question! I was eager to answer: “Oooh, I feel like we could do a really fun ‘You’re the One That I Want’ from Grease.”

She replied: “No way! That’s too hetero. Sorry.”

Papi, am I out of touch? Is Grease strictly a straight people thing? Since when? Grease, of all musicals! Too hetero? I will shut up and sing “Telephone,” but I feel like I’m right about this. Grease aside, this is far from the first time my friend has made a joke along these lines about me being “too straight” since I’ve been in my relationship. And she’s not alone. The lesbians all tend to gang up on me for this sometimes. (Side note, I can’t believe I’m presenting a lesbian gang-up as a bad thing.) 

Now, listen, I can take a joke. I know my friends know that just because my partner and I are together doesn’t mean that either of us are straight, or that our relationship is some sad, vanilla Hallmark thing. They’ve been super receptive and cool about it the times I’ve told them the joke’s gone a little too far. The thing is, despite the fact that they’re all actively trying to dial this back and make sure I’m comfortable, the idea just keeps slipping through. I honestly feel kind of silly for being bothered by it, but for a while now I’ve found myself defending my sexuality in these situations by recounting my gay experiences, and saying stupid shit like: “Well, my partner is bisexual too. Don’t I get some points for that?” 

Like, “points?” Really? Who is keeping score? Is it me? When did I sign up for the queerness olympics? Why do I feel the need to demonstrate my queerness? Moreover, why is it that we can’t quite kick this out of the group joke book, despite everyone’s best efforts? Is there like some bad juju in the collective queer subconscious that makes us all feel like we have to compete to be the least straight person in the room? Am I wrong about Grease? How do I cleanse these vibes?

With love,

Too Straight

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Hey there, TS!

First of all, there’s no such thing as a “straight” movie musical, except La La Land, I think. Probably. I don’t know, I’m not a show tunes gay. If it validates you, you and your friends are actually all the same to me. Karaoke is a lifestyle I can’t support, and I’m tired of it being shoved down my throat. God made Adam and Eve, not Lady Gaga and Bradley Cooper. Anyway, you’ve come to the right place. I’m a certified Gay Olympics judge. You’re right. The points are real, and I award them.