Browse Zillow With Me

Let's microdose home ownership together

I spend a lot of time on Zillow for someone who can’t afford a house. Whenever I don’t know what else to do on my computer, my finger automatically goes to the ‘Z’ key, and Google Chrome welcomes me back to a vibrant world of weird lamps and shiplap. It’s my comfort website, even if it does remind me that a good chunk of my income goes toward paying off a stranger’s mortgage. It’s a cute apartment!

Anyway, it gets lonely wandering the streets of Zillow by myself, so I thought, why not invite my beloved subscribers to wander with me? I’m excited to share my umpteenth afternoon looking at houses with you. I’m not looking for anything in particular, so these aren’t “the most hideous” or “the wildest” pictures I encountered. This is just a sample of a typical Zillow outing for me, along with my thoughts. 

Let us begin.

Room Design by ChatGPT

This room is so uncanny to me. It looks like CGI, right? But the rest of the pictures of the house seem real. In some ways, though, this image is as real as it gets. The gang’s all here: sliding barn doors, starburst light fixture, generic “Home Sweet Home!” wall art, that one chair from Amazon, creams and whites and beiges. I call this aesthetic AirBnbCore. 

I can practically feel myself shrugging off my backpack after opening a lockbox to get the key. I’ve just landed. I’m entering the wifi password into my phone and typing “lunch” into Google Maps. I have a slight headache. There’s a “House Rules” binder telling me to do the dishes and take out the trash before I leave.

Rooms like this remind me that humans used to sleep huddled together in a cave, and we would paint bison, horses, and deer on the walls. Now we have this, because someone invented interest rates.

Please Have a Seat and We’ll Be With You Shortly

Speaking of shiplap, I really don’t like these inoffensive wood mosaic accent walls. I kind of want an accent wall to offend me. I see them as a fun, acceptable space to show off your insane personality. Walls like the one pictured above are the equivalent of hold music to me. I feel like I should be filling out a clipboard with my social security and birth date. This wall just asked Hispanic [Y/N]?

I especially don’t like them in houses with carpet floors and white walls. It just makes me think, wow, I sure do like wood. Wish there were more wood in this house. I do appreciate the framed drawing of the horse, though.

Another Barn Door But She Slimmed Down for All Stars

“On my season of Zillow’s Drag Race, y’all, I had no idea what I was doing. Let’s be real, your girl was a mess. I was so in my own head, so unsure of myself, and it kept me from being the queen that people know me to be back home. I’m so excited for this opportunity to come back and show America what I can really do and show these girls that, you know what? I am a threat. Look out, because this time I came to slay.” 

It’s Mr. Worldwide 

This fan is absolutely everywhere. I’m not exaggerating. It’s possible that it’s appeared in the majority of the houses I’ve looked at. What’s going on? Is this just the fan? 

It’s not a particularly offensive fan or anything. Maybe that’s why it’s so popular? I guess it really is perfect for those times when you really need a ceiling fan. “Yep, sure is,” is what I would say if someone pointed at it and said, “ceiling fan.” 

Be Not Afraid

I don’t know how or when humans got so mesmerized by the idea of imprisoning a bunch of lightbulbs in a spherical cage, but it sure is a prevalent design. I’ve never really cared for it myself. It reminds me of an apartment building lobby where everything looks decent enough, but then, two weeks in, doorknobs start falling off. 

All in all, I’m a little tired of seeing this Biblically accurate light fixture. Free them. 

Hey, wait a minute…

It Follows (2014)

Ah, That’s Cinemá

Perfect room for when you and your three friends want to watch a movie on a normal-sized flatscreen TV. 

I like the energy. I like the idea of going all out on the wall art in your home theater. I like the chairs. I do feel like if someone led me into this room, though, I would think, “alright, let’s calm down a little.” We either need a bigger screen or we need to get rid of the fancy seats. Can’t have a small screen with those seats, I’m afraid. We could even do a projector or something. 

Overall, though, I’m kind of into it. It would be fun to crack open a cold one with the boys and watch TÁR in there. 

Christian Coffee Shop Chairs

It’s 2012, “Skinny Love” by Bon Iver is playing, I have just been served a hot drink with latte art, and three guys wearing beanies and holding Bibles are vigorously debating same-sex marriage at the table next to me. That’s what I feel when I see these metal chairs. 

As far as chairs go, sure, they’re fine. But it’s interesting how they’ve managed to achieve such a degree of ubiquity. It makes me feel like there’s an agenda behind these chairs I’m not quite privy too, just like when I’m in a coffee shop that I think is normal but then out of nowhere someone sits down across from me and asks what my relationship with Christ is like. 

The sink is also catching a stray here, sorry to say. I don’t like these coily metal spouts. I think they’re silly and should grow up.

W̵̨̧̧̢̢̛͔͈̮͈͔̙͔̪̜͔͈̗͖̦̟̰̮̥̬͈̃͋͛̋̀̒̀̂͘̕͜ę̴̛͇̬̩̮̪̹̳̖̜̹̥͖̗̖̮̖͖̲̗͙͊̓̍̉̒̾͘ͅͅl̸̨̧͖̟̮͚͔̙͖̻̯̭̤͖͉̝̥̒̓̈̏̄͒̀̒͒̑̃͛͌͂͐́̐́̃̃͝c̵̰̰̹̔̏̈̾̋̏̐͋̈́ơ̶̛̭͓̪̥̓̊͋̓̍̈́͗̊̈́̏̃̚̕m̷̢̨̢̧̛̬̱̘̲͔̻͙̈́̓͊̉̈́̃̑͆̇̽͂̂͐͆͗̂̄͗͑͛͊͑ͅę̸̡̛͈͎̙͉̙͕̤̪̘̣͋̈͊͒͒̌̄̑̽̂́̌̔̀̀̾̌͌͊̇̆̚͝͝͠ ̴̡̨̨̳̭͖͎̱͍̼̹̟͚̤͋̆͊̓͛̓̿̅͊̔͋̎̽ͅͅH̵̩̱̯́́̈́̓̌͝o̵̢̢̰͔̹̬̜̙̖̘̩̘̮̩̭̹̮̘̔̑͗̎͂̏̎͋̂́͘̚͠͠m̴͓̱̙̫͓̜̘̟͔͙͕̝̼̪͉̤͖̬̳̤̰̯̩̓͗̋̒̑̍͜ͅé̷̘͊͗͆̽̅̏

I Love Floor, Don’t You?

Sometimes a floor is simultaneously not doing enough and too much. That’s what I think whenever I see floors like this. It makes me wonder if being a floor is really its passion. It seems like it’s phoning it in, but also trying to do something. I’m just not sure what that “something” is. Like, it’s fine? It’s fine. Sure. I wish this floor the best of luck.

Let’s-a Go

I don’t know, I just see…

The Vastness

This is my thinking room. I like to stand directly in the middle of it and pan around with my eyes while contemplating things. Sometimes I have a little fun and lie down. On particularly wild evenings, I will stand in the corner. Once, I shoved myself into the fireplace, but I probably won’t do that again. I love home ownership, and I love that laws stop applying to you once they give you the deed and you can do whatever you want. No more renting for me!

You Fool, Prepare to Face My Final Form

[Boss battle music]

All Stars 3: Waco, Texas vs. The World

With extra special guest judges Chip and Joanna Gaines.

Riddle-Dee-Doo, Riddle-Dee-Dee! Can You Solve My Riddles Three?

Two gnomes live in this house. One emerges from the entrance on the left, while the other emerges from the entrance on the right. The one on the left must always tell the truth, while the one on the right must always tell lies. They hold a lesson between them that you will need to survive the journey ahead, and the only way to arrive at it is by asking them questions. You can’t ask the same question to both gnomes, and you have to alternate between asking one or the other. You have five minutes, after which point both gnomes will retreat into their respective holes and be unavailable to reach again until the next solstice. 

Hey

What Did They Mean By This

The yellow is doing its own thing here, and I respect that. Everything else in this room looks like it hates her, can’t stand her, gossips about her, wishes she would just tone it down, but she won’t. She will never. In fact, she has everything the countertop wishes he had. She is free.

Incredibly Prevalent Ceiling Fan, Shiny Version 

Ooh, there are other colors! I’m still getting a restraining order.

Welcome to My Home. I Am the Tiny Judge Here. I Will Determine Your Fate Shortly

Obsessed with this setup. Love the small table in the middle of the room catty-corner to the larger table by the windows. It feels like a courtroom for some reason, like a man in a big powdered wig and a robe should be seated in the metal stool, pounding a gavel.

There’s also a counter in the back with more stools, so I’m imagining a scenario that would require all of these different seating areas to be occupied at the same time. Thanksgiving must be really disjointed here, which is great if you need to accommodate for warring clans. This house costs a bajillion dollars.

Thank you for taking this journey with me. I hope you feel like you microdosed home ownership. I sure did.

In the spirit of “selling things,” I’m going to make a quick pitch for becoming a paid subscriber. It really helps me pursue more creative projects both on Substack and beyond, and I plan to make Substack a bigger part of my daily routine, which means more exclusive content for my favorite children (paying members).

Thank you.

JP