Did I Break Up With 'The One?'
Papi, I may have ruined my fairytale ending.
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I recently ended my first relationship, and I'm dealing with a lot of regret. I had never dated anyone, and had only recently discovered I was a lesbian. When I did start dating, I set out to explore a lot, because I didn’t have the college or high school or even early 20s experiences so many of my peers did. I almost immediately ended up in a relationship with a woman. We dated for a couple of years, starting just a few months before the pandemic.
My partner was always more in it. She had dated before and had been out since college and knew what she wanted. I was resistant to a serious situation, but I fell pretty hard and then the pandemic hit, so it felt natural to get more serious.
But I was missing something. Maybe it’s because I watch way too many romantic comedies, but I always thought I would just know when things were right, that I would be confident that I was in love and that this was the person I would spend my future with. I didn’t feel that with her.
This spring, it felt like each of us was busy doing our own thing, and we were growing apart. I successfully ended things with the understanding that we would stay friends. It seemed to be working and like I was (maybe unfairly) getting to have my cake and eat it too. I mentioned to a friend that I hoped we could be together when we were older and wiser (which makes me think I did actually see a future for us but didn't realize it until too late).
Staying friends was probably the wrong decision. It lasted a week, and unfolded poorly. It did not last, and we’ve had no contact for months, as initiated, understandably, by my ex.
I feel like I’ve lost my favorite, most important person in my life, and I don’t know if that means it was love and I messed up, or if it was co-dependence.
Papi, how do you know something is right? How do you know you’re with someone you have a future with? How do you know you’re in love if you’ve never been in it or even in a relationship before? How do you know if you’re unhappy because you’re unhappy, or if you’re unhappy in your relationship?
Signed,
Bad Brain
Hey there, BB!
There’s a lot to address in your letter. I have my work cut out for me! I guess I’ll begin with the part that called to me first—the notion of a future we’re supposed to be seeking, a picture in our minds of what “the good ending” looks like and trying to set things up in the present so that we arrive there eventually.
Of course, there’s some wisdom in that. We want to put ourselves on the path that leads to better things—to warmth, to calm, to happiness. But I also find that placing “someday” at the center of all our affairs can come at the expense of “today.” The future gets to be perfect and ideal because it doesn’t yet exist. We can color it however we want. We get to pretend there’s a future free of worry and full of the best things, even if we should know from personal experience that the future doesn’t really work that way.