Do My Straight Friends Belong at Pride?
Papi, how do I politely ask my pals to sit this one out?
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¡Hola Papi!
I came out a little later in life—first in college as bi, then in my late twenties as a lesbian. My journey of coming out has been both challenging and rewarding. It’s made a lot of things that never seemed to click for me finally (finally!) make perfect sense.
But because of my delayed realization, I didn’t really build a lot of queer community until these last few years. I have a lot of straight friends. No, you don’t understand… a lot. But I’ve been lucky enough to fall into a group of amazing queer people as of late, and I’ve never felt more seen. It’s been amazing.
With Pride approaching, something awkward has been happening. A lot of my straight friends are asking to tag along and, for the first time, I’m considering saying no. Lately, I’ve been feeling less and less enthused about bringing straight friends into queer spaces. As a cis, white, straight-passing gay woman, I already don’t want to take up too much space when a lot of the world is more accepting to me than a lot of my queer community. But adding a bunch of straight ladies to the mix? That feels… weird.
I also, deep down, am already feeling weary of being “the gay friend.” The friend who will go to the Muna concert with you, the friend to whom you can confess that you once watched gay porn, the friend who’s a little neutered because, you know, in many ways, they don’t believe it’s “the same” as their marriages/dating life/etc. I’ve always heard about men feeling like they’ve been placed in the role of “gay best friend,” but I’m starting to get it now too.
Papi, how do I tell my straight friends that, while I love them, I need them to sit this one out? I love them and their support for my newfound freedom in my identity, but I want to have the room to explore spaces made for me—in all of my humanity.
Signed,
Token Gay Friend
Hey there, TGF!
Ah, yes, Pride season—a time for us to come together as a community and argue about “spaces,” and who or what is acceptable in them. I thought we were all spending Pride on the computer? That’s how I’m doing it, anyway. That’s how I do every holiday. Non-holidays, too.
Regardless, I know what you’re going through. I was 20 years old when I first boarded the U.S.S. LGBTQIA. Getting my sea legs under me was challenging. I didn’t quite know how I fit into “the community,” what my role was, if I needed to spend a year or two swabbing decks, or whatever this metaphor demands. It’s been a while since I first shoved off. I feel more like a bedraggled pirate now, the kind with a hook and a peg leg and an old parrot perched on my shoulder that only knows how to say “it’s giving” and “Padam.” I’ve been through several years of “discourse” on this subject (that’s how I lost me leg), so I’ll share my thoughts.