Fixing Twitter's Blue Tick Problem

It's handled, don't worry

The rollout for verification ticks via Twitter Blue is going splendidly. If you’re the Joker. 

For a mere $8 a month, Twitter users are now able to acquire the blue badge of authenticity regardless of their username or their mental state. This has led to some interesting dynamics, every last one of which is terrifying to the average corporate advertiser. 

As a longtime tweeter whose brain has been irreparably broken by social media, I am having a wonderful time wandering around the burning shopping mall formerly known as Twitter dot com and seeing verified posts from President Biden about his dick. But as I understand it, many parties have a vested interest in the website being “functional.” 

I, myself, would like to see Twitter continue to exist, since if it ever shut down, I would shut down with it. I don’t want to have to take to the streets and fire off analogue posts in person (making conversation). Barbaric. As such, I will be waiving my consulting fee and fixing the broken verification system out of charity. 

Let’s begin.

Right, as it stands, anyone who subscribes to Twitter Blue is able to acquire a verification badge. This is causing chaos as all you need is the right profile picture and handle to dupe the average American, whose favorite hobby is being duped by posts.

What we need is a simple, easily identifiable symbol that screams “I’m the real one!” Obviously, we can’t take back all the verification badges we just handed out. The masses wouldn’t stand for it. Taking away brujababe69’s recently-acquired blue check is booking a one-way ticket to the guillotine. 

We will leave the new blue ticks right where they are, and new subscribers to Twitter Blue can still acquire them as they please, but what we do is add a second badge. People will get used to ignoring the first one as every user under the sun is verified. But the second one will be more intense. It will command more respect. It will be bigger. 

I see it looking something like this.

Plain as day, this second tick is better and practically shouts, “I’m the real deal.” 

Of course, this won’t be enough for some people, which is why I wouldn’t stop there. Clicking the second badge will reveal a seven-digit code unique to the user. Let’s say, for fun, that mine is 777-7777.

Still with me? Good. Alright, now, what I suggest is that we establish a Twitter account called The Elder Tree. I’ve checked, and the @ElderTree handle is currently occupied by someone named Ellen O’Driscoll with three followers and no profile picture.

She will be the first sacrifice to the Tree.

With Ellen dispatched, we can continue with the necessary work of verifying Twitter users by instituting and maintaining the Elder Tree account. Users can take the code they received from clicking on a verified user’s second (real, larger) badge and tweet it at the Elder Tree, who holds the sum of all knowledge on the app. It would look something like this.

At this point, the Elder Tree will respond with a clear answer as to whether or not the user in question is who they say they are. I imagine the Elder Tree being required to do this in character, so replies would sound something like, “Lay down your weapon, wary soul, for the stranger you suspect of deceit speaks the truth.” 

In cases where the Twitter user is lying, the response could be something along the lines of, “You are right to hold doubt in your heart, traveler, for this is a den of rats and vipers.” 

Now, of course, there are some logistical issues to tackle. What happens, for example, if someone impersonates the Elder Tree? Who runs the Elder Tree account? Can the Elder Tree be corrupted by money or nudes? 

First, what needs to happen in this situation is the establishment of a strong honor code and shared sense of sacredness that renders impersonating the Elder Tree incredibly taboo. Pretending to be the Elder Tree must become a thought so outrageous that none would even dare to consider it. It should be punishable by death to pretend to be the Elder Tree.

The Elder Tree account would also have a third, slightly larger verification badge. No other accounts would have this, so it’s definitely the official page.

Second, the Elder Tree account will be run in shifts by the members of Twitter’s in-house sect devoted to its perpetual maintenance. Perhaps they can have a fun name, like The Order of the Leaf or Brothers in Branches. There can be matching robes and the Twitter merch site can sell knockoffs and t-shirts with the tree on it that say things like ALL TREE ALL SHADE or TREE SLUT. I think that would be cool.

This group of people would swear to celibacy and make an oath to Truth Itself™ to never, ever tell a lie. When a monk receives a code, they would then be honor-bound to discern the identity of the user in question, making reference calls and, when necessary, visiting the home of the Twitter user in question and interviewing them.

Over time, the sect would accumulate so much verifiable knowledge that their ledgers would fill with the truth, which opens exciting new possibilities for the @ElderTree account. Perhaps it will become a source of more general information, and in the future Twitter users will be able to ask it a variety of questions pertaining to the human condition in exchange for $5 via Twitter Blue. In business, we call that an ROI.

All in all, the establishment of this system is pennies compared to lost advertising on Twitter. I predict the company starts turning a profit within months. It certainly makes more sense than releasing a bunch of blue ticks from the ceiling like confetti and then banning everyone at the Joke Factory for making jokes about it. 

Long live the Elder Tree.