¡Hola Papi! Lightning Round
Five letters. Five rapid responses. Let's go.
¡Hola Papi! is the preeminent deranged advice column from writer and author John Paul Brammer, now living on Substack! If you’ve ever wanted advice from a Twitter-addled gay Mexican with anxiety, here is your chance. Support this column by sharing it and subscribing below, and send him a letter at holapapiletters@gmail.com
¡Hola Papi!
Recently, a guy who I thought I was dating said, out of the blue, that his feelings had changed and he no longer wanted to be together.
Only problem is, a few days before this I had lent him a book of poetry, because I am gay. He hasn't replied to my text asking for the book back. What can I do?
Sincerely,
Turning the Other Page
Hey there, TTOP!
Cut your losses. Remember to steal.
¡Hola Papi!
Our director at work left, and in his mostly-empty office were left three plants. I took one thinking they’d been abandoned; a lovely three-leaved Amaryllis. A few days later a note appeared outside the office asking for the plant back. I could have brought it back, but in those three days I overwatered it and now it’s dead, and I don’t know what to do.
I am burdened by guilt — I’m not someone who steals! I’m also not one who loves confrontation, and she’s pretty mean. What should I do?
Sincerely,
Amaryllis the Asshole?
Hey there, AA!
Fuck it, sitcom plot. Buy an imposter plant. Leave it in the exact spot you found the original and act like nothing ever happened in the first place.
Each and every kind of plant has unique needs, by the way. Look those up before you go trying to give your leafy friend a human bath, murderer. Kidnapper too, if we’re being honest.
Anyway, it’s not a puppy. Lie.
¡Hola Papi!
I’ve been working with my therapist for about a year and it’s been great! He got me back on track when I stopped taking meds, helped me through two career shifts, and is generally great for my mental health.
One thing I’ve noticed, though, is that the man drinks a ton of coffee. Relatable, right? Our sessions are a manic, giggly hour where I am often inclined to focus on the good (a necessary corrective for my depressive ways).
However, this doesn’t always work for me! Sometimes I am low energy, sometimes I am feeling slow, sometimes I am depressed, and sometimes I am stressed and could actually stand to come down a few levels.
Do I confront him about this? Do I mention that I think he is a little caffeine-manic? Or is this rude? Based on your tweets I know you know a thing or two about the bean.
Thanks,
Decaf Depresso
Hey there, DD!
It might just be his personality. Set intentions with him at the beginning of your session if you’re feeling like you need to take things slow or be sad for a bit. I wouldn’t go straight to an accusation of caffeine addiction.
Then again, my soul is trying to claw its way out of my body due to cold brew right now, so maybe this is just latent solidarity for him. Lo que sea.
¡Hola Papi!
It's me, another gay. Recently, my work place gave the majority of staff a tiny (meaning under 2%) cost of living raise, while leadership's salary bracket minimums increased by $20,000. Papi, this has sparked a rage in me like no other. How do I overthrow the bourgeoisie and seize the means of production?
Sincerely,
Norma Rae Gay
Howdy, NRG!
It would help to know what kind of workplace you’re in, as unions specialize. But I do suggest unionizing.
Here are the Five Basic Steps to Organizing a Union. Also, here’s The American Federation of Labor and Congress of Industrial Organizations’ (AFL-CIO) guide. Find out which unions represent your trade and reach out.
Don’t use work computers or the company Slack servers. Use a private slack and personal phones. Don’t let your bosses know what you’re up to. It’s critical to build overwhelming support across your workplace before management finds out or you go public. Many companies try to bust unions with the help of consulting firms that are very, very good at what they do.
Give your channel a funny, generic name like Seizing the Memes for now. A funnier, more personal one will reveal itself later. Trust me!
¡Hola Papi!
How are you doing?
Signed,
Me, I Guess
Hi there, MG!
I’m fine, thank you for asking.
Con mucho amor,
Papi