I Don't Want to Lose My Appeal
But Papi, I also want to be me
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So, I realized I'm a guy. Yay. Unfortunately, I'm also British.
I'm looking at being postmenopausal before I get testosterone. I'm fat and very feminine looking. Can I flirt with gay guys? Will any of them want me back? My tits weigh about two stone. I'm loved, but with fatness and surgery, will I ever be desired again? The gap between the desirable woman I was ten years ago and the invisible, never-seen-as-a-man current self is considerable. I sometimes wonder about not transitioning, because at least as a fat woman I’d keep the only “hot” features I have (the aforementioned tits. People love ‘em. I don't)
I guess I'm just scared and alone and wanting to know I’m worth something.
Hey there, SV!
I’m sorry to hear that you’re British. I will do my best to look past it, but I appreciate your patience as I work through my deeply entrenched biases.
As for the heart of your issue, I should note up top that I am not trans, and I’m sure there are aspects of the journey you’re embarking on that would go right over my head. If anything I say here doesn’t serve you, please chalk it up to my cluelessness. That said, I do see a lot I can relate to in your letter.
Like most people, I want to be wanted. Being wanted feels great, especially as a person who always felt locked out of beauty. I grew up with a pretty sister and two pretty girl cousins I went everywhere with, and people would stop them on the street to ask if they were all sisters because they were so beautiful. Meanwhile, I stood back in my XXL Pokémon shirt from Walmart wondering why God allowed me to be born. I couldn’t even step into Claire’s! Dreadful.
This feeling of ugliness led me to a lot of behaviors that some might call “destructive.” I fasted, I whittled myself down to skin and bones, and, you know what? I did get a lot of positive comments from people at that time, along with the occasional “are you sick?” question. I was, like, low-key dying, but that didn’t seem to matter! I got what I was after, albeit at great personal expense.
I think, SV, when we do that, when we prove that we’re willing to harm ourselves for the sake of validation from other people, we’re sending ourselves a dangerous message. We’re saying, “other people’s opinions are more valuable than your wellbeing,” or even, “other people are more valuable than you.” And that kind of thing sticks with you! It makes you trust yourself less, and makes you resent yourself more.