I Want to Be the Victim
Papi, I'm sick of being the bad guy
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¡Hola Papi!
Once again, I am single after breaking up with a wonderful person with whom I had a decent relationship. This is the third relationship in a row that I've been the one to end. In all three, the other person saw the same problems I did with varying degrees of clarity, but was insistent that they wanted to make it work and that the relationship was worth fighting for. In the end, I just didn't feel the same way.
When I ended things with my most recent partner a few days ago, he couldn't even look me in the eye. He said never to reach out again and wouldn't let me hug him on the way out. I don't begrudge his reaction! But it feels horrible knowing that I deeply, deeply hurt someone that I loved.
Everyone tells me I'm brave for not dragging it out, for not leading them on. But I don't feel brave. I feel mean and cruel and, ultimately, alone. I also have to deal with the weight of wondering if I made a mistake or if I could have done something different to make it work. I have no doubt that the pain of being dumped when you don't want to be is far worse than what I'm experiencing, but I kind of want to be the victim for once, you know?
All of this leaves me wondering if there's something wrong with me. Either I'm unintentionally seeking out relationships with people where I always feel in control of the relationship, or I'm doomed to be perpetually unsatisfied no matter how good the relationship is and I will always eventually want to break up and will die alone.
So, I guess I'm asking, do you think there's something wrong with me?
Signed,
The Bad Guy
Hey there, BG!
You know, I’m no stranger to the arithmetic you’re doing. It’s common, after an unpleasant breakup, to head to the chalkboard and start running the equations to find out who was the bad guy in the relationship. Sins get tallied. The times they were late to dinner get multiplied against the times they failed in the “gift giving” department.
He broke up with me a mere week after my birthday? A short two months after Christmas? With Easter right on the horizon? He’s evil, your honor!
I get it. As someone who has both called things off and been the one kicked to the curb, I can say there are pros and cons to both, if you can call them that. Sure, there’s the guilt of breaking up with someone, but being broken up with can come as a surprise, and it can feel like you’ve been rejected as a human being.
Uncouth as it might sound, though, being “the victim” does come with perks. There’s a quiet dignity in being the wounded party, in being the one who gets to stew and simmer and be righteous in their hurt. I think that’s why some people kind of enjoy it. It validates whatever they’re feeling. Anger, sadness, vindictiveness, forgiveness, all of it is on the table and all of it is noble and understandable.
Meanwhile, the Bad Guy™ is supposed to give space, back off, and not dare show their face unless called upon for closure. Certainly, the situations vary, and this is far from the template for everyone, but there does seem to be an understanding that these are the standard roles, and I think that’s why so many people clamor to be the “poor thing” in the wake of a breakup.
Put all that aside though.