I'm Tired of Being the Mother Hen
Papi, do I need to set more friendship boundaries?
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¡Hola Papi!
I’ve always prided myself in being a good friend. I love and value my friends so much, and I want them to know it. Recently, I moved from the city where I had lived for nearly a decade, a place where I had a very tight-knit group. We’ve been there for each other through so much, and people would often comment on how involved in each other’s lives we were.
However, now that I’ve had some distance, I’ve realized that I was putting a lot of effort into maintaining this community without saving much energy for myself. In the midst of my flourishing friendships, I didn’t make space for things that would only offer me an individual benefit: dating, networking, regularly getting enough sleep, etc. And, looking around, no one else seemed to have this problem.
As I've been building a new community in my new city, I’m trying to be more careful about setting boundaries so I don’t fall into codependency. But in my eagerness to connect with people, it feels unnatural to temper my excitement about someone who I feel a kinship to. I try to remind myself about the lack of reciprocation with my old friends, but don’t want to become jaded and start treating each friendship like a carefully balanced transaction. Can I train myself to expect less from friends? How do I toe the line between social and selfish?
Sincerely,
Fatigued Friend
Hey there, FF!
It’s interesting to me that at first you describe being in a tight-knit group of friends who were deeply involved in each other’s lives, but then you say the dynamic wasn’t reciprocal. It makes me wonder if everyone felt this way and the vibe came about organically, or if this level of investment was something you manifested.
The difference matters, because it could very well be the case that your comfort zone is in a sort of “martyr” role when it comes to building intentional community in your life. That might sound a bit dramatic, but I don’t mean it to be. Let me explain.
When it comes to friend groups, there is often an individual who sees it as their duty to make everything happen, to organize the hangouts and keep the peace and be the mother hen, as it were. This isn’t a bad thing! I have found myself in this position before. I’ve had to herd my cats to a picnic at the park or to a movie night, knowing full well they would have never planned such a thing on their own. But hanging out with everyone made it more than worth it for me.
Where it becomes an issue, I think, is when a person is always in this role, either because the group expects it of them, or because they keep putting themselves in it, even if no one is demanding it of them. If you find yourself in the latter situation, it might be worth reflecting on why that position feels like one you need to fulfill, and if perhaps your noble sacrifices for the sake of your friends are really all that noble.