Is My Empathy a Flaw?
Papi, I should be angry right now, but I'm not
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¡Hola Papi!
I’m almost three months out of a serious relationship. I was a bit late to the relationship game, this one being my first official non-situationship. We dated for a year and half, with talks of moving in together, until it ended in an ultimatum (him) and a breakup text (me). This wasn’t by any means our first breakup—we had many incompatibilities—but it was the one that stuck.
My therapist and friends have been reiterating his controlling behavior (ultimatums, constant criticism, gaslighting, etc.,) to help reinstate more black-and-white thinking. I’ve made a long list of all the reasons why I had to leave.
So why, then, am I still in love with this person, wondering whether he’s coping well with the breakup, or if he’s (also) a total mess? Why is all the anger I should be feeling coming out as love and appreciation for someone I deeply cared for? I know I’m an empathetic person, but is my empathy currently doing a disservice to me? Am I doing it all wrong?
Love,
Overly Empathetic
Hey there, OE!
There’s an interesting genre of content on the internet that centers on the strange marine creatures that emerge on land following a tsunami or a hurricane. There are many YouTube videos and articles about this, many of which are fantastical in nature and veer into “urban legend” territory. Fish with three heads, crabs the size of dinner tables, fearsome beasts with no scientific names at all.
How true, and how common, is this phenomenon? I don’t know. I’m an artist, not a marine biologist (a fact that would break my sixth-grade heart, I thought I was going to explore the seas of Oklahoma). But I do know I enjoy the idea, the visual, the metaphor. As an artist, that’s all I really care about. If it sounds pretty, I can use it. It’s a much easier job, in this way, and I don’t even have to get wet.
For me, the image looks like this: A force of nature strikes, dredging up subterranean entities into the observable plane. I see it as a compelling parallel to our emotions in the wake of intense experiences. As we pick our way through the aftermath, we might find strange sentiments and emotions that we don’t quite recognize.
This is relevant to you, OE, because what you’re experiencing is to be expected. After a major life event such as a breakup, we are likely to come across thoughts and feelings that previously lurked in the depths of our minds. You might be surprised by the sight of them, and wonder how they were inside you at all. The feelings coming out of you for your ex right now might not feel totally appropriate or correct, might defy convention. They might look, well, wrong.
In situations like these, I think it’s important that you not judge yourself, or the emotions you’re experiencing. The truth is, there isn’t really a “right way” to feel. Are you doing it wrong? No. But I hope that, as you tread gently through the healing process, you can take this as a rare opportunity to explore yourself and to take in your findings.