Leave Jessel Alone!

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Let me be clear. I am going through a resurgent Lord of the Rings phase, which is colliding very strangely up against my frankly bewildering commitment to recapping every episode of The Real Housewives of New York. Tonally, my thoughts are all over the map. I just watched a thirty-minute deep dive on Ungoliant, a primordial being of constant hunger who took the shape of a gigantic spider, and now I have to take off my pointy wizard hat and put on my Bravo hat to discuss this show.

But speaking of insatiable hunger, this week sees notoriously famished content creator Sai de Silva looking to take yet another bite out of Jessel Taank. This comes on the heels of their unsuccessful brunch last week, which ended with Sai announcing to the world that she “doesn’t care” and storming out.

The conflict at the center of that brunch, if you recall, was Jessel’s attempt to connect with Sai, who for some reason doubts everything that comes out of Jessel’s mouth. She and Erin have apparently decided that Jessel’s whole thing is trying to have as compelling and as deep a backstory as people like Sai and Brynn, causing her to embellish and talk in circles instead of being upfront about her comfy upbringing. 

To be fair to Sai, which is not something it thrills me to do, Jessel’s route to reaching Sai was clumsy. She brought up her uncle who dealt with alcoholism and eventually passed away, like Sai’s mother. I definitely see how this was inappropriate, as the situations are nowhere near similar. But at the top of this episode, we see the Cackling Hag Duo, Sai and Erin, FaceTiming each other to debrief, and Sai says she’s actually quite offended by Jessel bringing up her mother. 

Again, I can understand that having an uncle pass away from alcoholism is very different from a mother, but the way Sai and Erin talk about it is gross. In her conversation with Erin, Sai omits that Jessel’s uncle died at all, rather, she puts him in the present tense. Later, Erin makes light of it, saying, “everyone has a drunk uncle.” Ew? I would be extremely offended if anyone spoke of my deceased relative in this way.

This all comes to a head at Swingers, a mini-golf… bar? Club? A mini-golf thing in New York, where a triple date has been arranged for Erin, Abe, Sai, David, Jessel, and Pavit. Oh, and Ubah is coming too. It goes poorly, if you don’t mind me spoiling it.

As an aside, when will we as a species at last crack the code of “Chuck E. Cheese for adults?” I think it’s something we all want, but I haven’t seen it executed well. Maybe it’s because booze and jungle gyms don’t mix. But this mini-golf-restaurant-bar chimera doesn’t seem very fun to me. I don’t want to be pulled from my fruity little cocktail to swing a club at a tiny windmill.

Anyway, the arguing breaks out almost immediately, and once Pavit arrives it devolves into an interrogation about his confusing decision to fly to Vietnam for 24 hours to eat a bánh mì before returning home.

Do I understand this behavior? No. An airplane is my least favorite place on earth to be. I flew to Bangkok last March, and I thought I was going to physically die halfway through. But I have recently been educated on “mile run” culture, wherein people will rack up miles by going on marathon flights. This, Pavit says, is a relaxing activity for him. I assume first class is an altogether different experience from mine. I’ll never understand. But I’ll stand. 

Rather disgustingly, Erin and Sai imply that Pavit is going to Vietnam to do sex tourism. What the hell? Is that not an incredibly weird, ugly thing to say? Oh, and by the way, David and Abe, the husbands, are getting in on this as well. They even commented on Jessel finally having sex with Pavit. Excuse me? Pavit, go up and slap them with a silk glove! Defend your honor! Defend your queen! Do something!

This argument between Jessel and Sai eventually deflates with what have come to be Sai’s signature move. “At the end of the day, Jessel, I don’t care,” she says, and she walks off to join the boys who are making toasts to being away from their wives. 

I suppose I should mention Jenna Lyons is in Scotland? Brynn still has covid for the first half of the episode. Ubah invents a sandwich for a fancy restaurant. Oh, and Ubah is seeing someone, but keeping it a secret, something she only reveals to Sai who pinky-promises not to tell anyone. This will come up later. 

In the final scene, Jenna, Jessel, Brynn, and Pavit all link up in Jessel’s apartment to discuss the Battle at Swingers, where Brynn reveals that she’s already talked to Sai and Erin about it. She also reveals that the duo had been talking about Pavit, and about how he wasn’t wearing his wedding ring when they saw him.

I’m sorry, I find this all very gross. Jessel calls it “mean girl bullshit,” and it is. It’s not clear to me what Sai is going for on this show, but it’s not fun enough to be a villain and it’s certainly not charming enough to be cute, so here’s hoping she (and Erin while we’re at it) get a wake-up call at the reunion after we get the finale next week. Also, leave Pavit alone, too. The man is a muppet. 

Power rankings.

Sai de Silva

“I don’t care.” - Sai de Silva, caring.

Erin Lichy

Girl…

Jenna Lyons

Was in Scotland.

Ubah Hassan

I agree, Ubah. I also love pretzel bread.

Brynn Whitfield

I’ve loved Brynn from the start, and this episode reminded me of why. She is here to be cute and flirt and wear strange hats and stir the pot when needed. Yes! Good! 

Jessel Taank

Your Taank Tops are ready to ride at your request. Just say the word.

See you next week!