My Breakup Is Making Me Hateful
Papi, how do I overcome this grudge?
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¡Hola Papi!
I'm five months out from my first major breakup, and I'm having trouble sorting through my feelings. We were long-distance for about a year, got to nearly two years together (going to different universities for grad school is rough), and she broke up with me right as she moved back to our home country and as I was writing my dissertation.
I've gone through waves of grief that are pretty normal for the first big breakup: staying up until 3 am typing and re-typing the "take me back" message, recording and re-recording long voice notes about how we were good once and could be again. I never sent these (I’m proud of that), but I recently ran into her and found I have this odd mix of resentment and longing that’s curdling my heart.
I'm blessed to have understanding friends and family who’ve been wonderful, and I'm genuinely happy with where my life is at the moment. Work is going great and I'll hopefully be starting my doctorate soon. But every time I think of her, these bitter vines wrap around my heart and pump it full of subtle venom. Part of me wonders if it’s the last remnants of hope for reconciliation and rekindling of love. Part of me worries if this is the start of a dark and hateful road that will drive me to a life of misogyny-filled solitude. Another part wonders if these are the negative emotions that I suppressed during our relationship to try and keep everything working.
Maybe it's the centrist in my head wanting balance, maybe it's the fear of becoming a mini Andrew Tate, maybe it's the part of me that hopes she'll reach out to reconnect. No matter how you look at it, this resentment is not something I want to keep. Do you have any advice on how to work with, or on, or against it? Do I talk it out with a therapist? Do I do something completely anathema to my nature and start clubbing every night? Papi, what do I do?
Signed,
Perturbed Postgrad
Hey there, PP!
It’s not everyday someone writes me a letter expressing concern over becoming an incel. For the record, I appreciate it. I’m glad you came here and not whatever digital Mordor they’re pumping incels out of these days. It’s not Reddit anymore, is it? Reddit is so “surface web” now. Anyway, you’re not in danger of being radicalized into anything here at ¡Hola Papi!. Not yet. “Phase two” is still a ways off…