My Brother the Men's Rights Activist
Papi, this is going to make Thanksgiving really awkward
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¡Hola Papi!
I’ve recently had a falling out with my brother, who is much older than me. We were never really close given the age gap, but I have fond memories of doing kid things with him when we were younger, and I’ve tried to keep in touch with him over the years by calling and catching up, even though he’d never call me.
I came out to him as non-binary two years ago. His only response was “OK.” Given how little he talks to me, I assumed that was acceptance from him.
Recently, I moved back home for a year to recover from an injury, so we’ve had to interact more. He was very helpful with my recovery. After moving out, I came home to visit once, and he would not make eye contact with me or say anything to me. I confronted him about it, and he told me he’s doing it because I’m annoying, doesn’t get how I’m non-binary when I should be my biological sex, and my political opinions are unhinged. I think this stems from me arguing with him when he started reading a “men’s rights activist” (MRA) author.
I had no idea how to respond, given I thought he was always onboard with my queerness (I have a guess that he’s using me as a scapegoat for other issues in his life), so I just apologized for disagreeing with him on what he reads and left. Part of me thinks I should have gotten angry about the mean things he said to me, but I have a history of trying to twist myself into pretzels to get acceptance from my family members.
Regardless of what I should have done in the moment, I don’t know what to do now. I sometimes think about past interactions with him, and I wonder if I had done something differently, then maybe this wouldn’t have happened. I don’t think there’s anything I can do to change his mind.
I would love it if we could get back on speaking terms. He and my mom live together, and my mom and I are on good terms (though this whole event makes me paranoid that my mom doesn’t accept me to the degree I think she does). I still plan to visit for holidays, but I think things will get awkward fast.
I haven’t told my mom about this because I don’t want to create conflict with everyone. While my brother was an asshole to me, I’m grateful that he’s around to take care of my mom. She’s currently healthy, but she’s aging, and me moving back isn’t on the table. Maybe I shouldn’t even rock the boat. What do you think?
Signed,
Sullen Sibling
Hey there, Sullen!
I’m sorry to hear about your situation with your brother. It seems to be an increasingly common thing: a family member or a friend gets caught up in conspiracy theories or in toxic internet communities and starts becoming, well, what’s the diplomatic way to say it? Strange.