RHONY Does Not Dispute the Outcome of the Election

Episode 3, recapped and reviewed

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Photo by Louis Velazquez on Unsplash

The Real Housewives of New York are far from the first people to seek a statuesque lesbian’s approval, but they might be America’s most prominent at the moment. 

Before I get into episode three, an update on Bravo providing me with screeners: they still have not. For context, a screener is an episode sent to journalists and critics ahead of time so that they might write their review or recap for timely publication. This is proving difficult for me to acquire, as the Bravo Industrial Complex obviously sees me as a threat. 

But all is not lost. There are whispers that within the walls of Bravo, staff and crew make secret toasts to my health. The people cry out for John Paul Brammer’s RHONY recaps, waiting on tenterhooks for Wednesday to arrive so that they might sneak away to the employee bathrooms to read them and chuckle in the stalls. It is all but guaranteed that before the season ends, I will have screeners in my inbox. I’m not even worried about it. 

What was I saying?

Ah, yes. Episode three of the RHONY reboot sees us still in Erin Lichy’s compound in the Hamptons. Lichy, by the way, found herself in hot water after it was alleged that she made donations to the Trump campaign after the 2020 election. You know, when Trump was famously in his insurrection era. In light of this, Lichy released a statement to clear (some of) the air. 

“Regarding the hateful and misinformed social commentary going on about me I’d like to dispel these false narratives before they continue any further,” it reads, “I do not deny the election and have never supported stop the steal. I unequivocally believe that the 2020 Presidential election was fair and the President was rightfully elected.”

Is Erin Lichy the first Housewife to formally distance herself from an attempted coup? I’m not sure, but speaking of institutional powerhouses who Erin does not want to see leave the house, we start off episode three with Jenna Lyons in trouble for slinking away from her assigned room in the dead of night to sleep in her own home in the Hamptons. 

Why, you ask? Well, for one, Jenna either has a job or something close to it, which is a foreign concept to most Housewives. She had to do a work call at 6:30 in the morning (so early!), and the girls were partying downstairs, so she decided to leave without saying goodbye in direct violation of the peace accords. 

The knives were out for Ms. Lyons upon her return. It had been she, after all, who had prevented Erin from making shakshouka for the group ahead of their workout session. They would all be eating shakshouka right now if Jenna hadn’t told them not to, and then she just up and left! How very dare. She needed to be taken to task for this.

I, for one, however, was on Jenna’s side. For starters, anyone who knows me well will tell you that I am a perennial flight risk. I love to disappear. To fade away into the ether without a trace. “The wind has him now,” one of my friends is noted to have recently reported when asked if I was still at a party. Is it ethical? I don’t know. Does it feel good? Absolutely. I am a rainbow cloud of mist. I am ethereal and brief and rare. I appear as a mirage and vanish just as quickly. 

But on top of the noise, apparently Erin’s heating crapped out in all the guest rooms. So I guess everyone is angry that Jenna drove five minutes to sleep in her own heated house without doing a goodbye tour. Sinner! Someone affix a scarlet letter on her gray V-neck heart sweater. 

The meta of all this is, of course, that the cast really wants Jenna’s approval, as evidenced by how quickly Erin forgives Jenna, something Brynn Whitfield takes issue with at lunch after she arrives in the Hamptons, as she was “crucified” for not attending a dinner at CATCH, if you recall. Brynn goes so far as to make a whole thing about it, confronting Erin from across the table and asking why Jenna is so easily forgiven for her transgression while Brynn had to beg for forgiveness in Jenna’s shoe closet. 

Erin hits the slay button and casually responds, “Maybe I just like Jenna more.” I screamed. That was good! But also, and you know I love Brynn to death, but I’m not sure the road to Erin’s forgiveness was so different between them. Both apologized to her face, and it was fine. I think Brynn was just trying to stir something up at lunch, and, honestly, thank you for showing up to work, Miss Thing. You are appreciated. You are seen.  

Ubah, meanwhile, was confused with Brynn’s haphazard attempt at narrative building, saying aloud, “it’s like I’m watching a French film.” Is this an established saying a la “it’s all Greek to me,” or is this an Ubah-ism? She says it twice, and I love that the height of irrationality to Ubah is French cinema. She’s so right. She’s always right. If she asked me to kill someone, I would probably do it. 

Also at the lunch table, Grinch Gate is quashed without any fireworks, to my disappointment. Jessel apologizes for calling Jenna’s gift ugly, leaving me wondering as always what the point of Jessel’s presence is, though it does spotlight the interesting space Jenna occupies on the show, where she is simultaneously the empress of everything but also, a fragile, almost pitiable figure who can’t fight her own battles (she barely says anything while the group chastises Jessel for her rudeness, saying only, “it didn’t feel great.”) It’s fascinating. 

We slouch toward the end of a pretty average episode with the women playing dress up for dinner. Jenna doesn’t have a dress, so she is urged to borrow one from Ubah, who is also tall. She borrows a black velvet number with cutouts and a windswept scarf feature, and, yes, she looks fantastic, but the reaction from the other women put me off. 

I don’t love aligning myself so thoroughly with power by stanning Jenna so much, but, come on. The lady has styled presidents. She’s a fashion icon. She knows what she’s doing. She slips on a dress and everyone acts as if she’s undergone a transformation like Anne Hathaway in the first Princess Diaries. To me, this was lesbophobic. To me. To. Me! 

Jenna explains in a confessional that dressing to appeal to women and dressing to appeal to men are different things, and she’s no stranger to putting on a dress because that’s the sort of thing she used to wear. Don’t worry, girl! The LGBT understands that you are a Cubbyhole 10. Keep wearing jeans and sweaters and ties, we are on board. 

Dinner then shifts to a rather revelatory game of two truths and a lie, wherein confessions are made about reverse cowgirling a Saudi prince and boinking in a senator’s office, which brings us to our weekly power rankings which, as always, has a different criteria and, also as always, somehow has Jessel at the bottom again. This week, it’s by their showing in this week’s episode and by “how much I enjoyed their two truths and a lie.” 

Jessel Taank

After a flop of an episode Jessel reveals at dinner that she once hosted a popsicle in her vagina, a truth that, while interesting, is not enough to redeem her performance in the rest of the episode. I am starting to believe she was cast because the Bravo team knows something about her marriage that we don’t. Come on, Jessel. Play to win. 

Sai De Silva 

I was touched by Sai’s story about growing up poor in response to Erin claiming that the Dollar Store is “fun.” It really gave us a compelling backstory about the content creator that stands before us today. I don’t really remember her two truths or her lie (she had some fierce competition on this front) though I recall it being something pretty tame about threesomes or multiple dicks or something. The sex stuff that straight people find scandalous concerns me. It makes me wonder if knowledge of Sniffies would send the average heterosexual into the arms of the Westboro Baptist Church. 

Erin Lichy

I have to dock points for allegations of attempting to overturn our nation’s fragile democracy, but Erin nonetheless turned in a solid performance this episode. She’s so high strung that when I heard her upstairs heaters had stopped working in the dead of winter, I felt genuine suspense. She delivered an iconic quote in her tiff with Brynn and, best of all, confessed to having sex in a senator’s office, making her (alleged) Trump donation only the second time on record that she’s screwed our government. 

I’m really going to get so much mileage out of this, my goodness. Anyway, I have so many questions. Which senator’s office was it? Did she keep it in the party, or did she cross the aisle? Where was Erin Lichy on January 6? Probably freezing her ass off in the Hamptons. 

Ubah Hassan

I don’t really remember Ubah’s two truths and a lie, so it’s hard to justify placing her this high in the weekly power rankings, but as Erin Lichy might say, “maybe I just like her more.” 

Brynn Whitfield

I know I’m playing favorites here, but I just love Brynn, and it’s not every day someone discloses that they reverse cowgirled a Saudi prince, as she did at dinner. I think that’s fun. It feels nearly illegal. It feels like it breaches some sort of contract, and I encourage that energy on this show. She’s a bit of a chaos agent, and it doesn’t always work out, as it didn’t at lunch when she tried to call out Erin’s (alleged, alleged) hypocrisy for her quick forgiveness of Jenna. But it’s proof positive that she’s willing to take it there, and there is where I want to be. 

Jenna Lyons 

What even were her two truths and a lie? I don’t know, but here are two truths: Jenna Lyons is the beating heart of this reboot, and watching her try to be a Housewife to varying degrees of success has kept things interesting. Her leaving Erin’s house at night tells me she’s not super comfortable in her new role, and maybe she doesn’t quite get that part of the gig is having to spend time with annoying people against your will. She is in turns awkward, charming, and intimidating. I’m obsessed! Though I do look forward to the day when she isn’t at the top of the power rankings. Uncouth as it is to admit, it’s always entertaining to upend the social order and watch the establishment get taken down a notch. 

Right, Erin? 

See you all next week!