RHONY Recap & Ranking

New York City is a place to wear sexy outfits and argue over restaurants

Recently, I asked you, my dear readers, if I should recap the Real Housewives of New York. Ten of you said yes, so, if you don’t like it… blame them. 

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I must confess, I am out of practice when it comes to “watching the Real Housewives.” As an unemployed college grad, my mom and I would religiously watch the Real Housewives of New York on the couch. I have fond, unpaid memories of rooting for Carole Radziwill because she was an author and a princess, two things I ended up becoming myself. 

After that, I went many years without watching anything in the Bravo universe before getting hooked on Vanderpump Rules during a sixteen-hour flight from South Korea, and now, here I am: returning to form and watching RHONY. I am still unemployed.

My long hiatus means I’m ill-equipped to discuss the shakeup in the cast. I just know everyone was fired. It was like a fever dream, watching the first episode of the reboot interspersed with commercials for Countess Luann de Lesseps’ spinoff show where she wears a cowboy hat and, I don’t know, travels to Lawton, Oklahoma? To do a straight woman To Wong Foo on its residents? Maybe. 

So I won’t be the most knowledgeable voice in the crowded “Housewives recap” landscape. But I will be one of the strangest. 

As an aside, I once saw Countess Luann in person in Rockefeller Center on her way to do an interview, and I think she’s the most strikingly beautiful person I’ve ever seen to date. A summer breeze followed her wherever she went. She’s very windswept. Very tall. But that’s neither here nor there.

What is here, however, is the appearance of one Jenna Lyons, which is not not the entire reason I sat myself down to watch. For those unaware, Jenna Lyons is the former executive creative director and president of J. Crew, a power lesbian, and, in my mind, the kind of person who probably considers herself above Housewives antics. 

No, I did not watch her previous appearance on TV in a show that only became more vague to me after both my mom and my friend, Stephen, described it to me. It sounds like she held a competition for the honor of decorating her apartment? Let me know if I should watch that, I suppose. Maybe there’s a real life lesson in there somewhere. They hide in the darnedest places. 

Hearing Jenna had been cast gave me almost the exact same flavor of excitement as when Sephiroth was announced as DLC for Smash Bros. Ultimate in December of 2020. It feels like it shouldn’t have happened, but it did happen. This comparison says a lot about me, but also a lot about Jenna Lyons, I think, and maybe about Sephiroth as well. 

In any case, I took my micro-dose of mushrooms via Colombian dark chocolate with sea salt, sat my ass down, and listened. In the first episode, we are immediately thrown into conflict, both because that’s what an opening episode should do, and also because they apparently had to erase one of the new housewives from existence shortly after filming began. Certain plot lines were established, but their introductions cut (RIP, Bozo). 

This is how we ended up with Cheese Gate, a rift over charcuterie cheese, and whether or not cheese is “weird.” I don’t know, ladies, let’s ask him:

But I’m getting ahead of myself. If I’m going to recap this show, then I should probably use my first installation to introduce the menagerie, ordered by how I order absolutely everyone in my life. By “how interested I am in them.” Well, here we go. 

Jessel Taank

I honestly don’t remember much about Jessel from the first episode. She’s just kind of there, which is how I believe my own appearance on reality TV would go. But I’m not here to see myself on the screen. Ever. I’m here to be swept up in a lavish, New York fantasy, and in an episode featuring Jenna Lyons’ bonkers shoe closet and Brynn Whitfield’s sheep sweater and Sai de Silva’s confessional bob, Jessel faded into the background for me. She seems normal, which is not a word I would use to describe most New Yorkers I’ve met.

Here’s hoping this working mom and fashion publicist will do something wild soon to leave more of an impression, like theft, arson, or confessing to having a Grindr account. Give us a little texture, you know? 

Erin Lichy

I feel like I know this woman. Like, really know her. She’s the kind of friend who talks a lot about being down-to-earth but will send you a multi-paragraph text at 1 a.m. asking why your vibes were off at Bubba Gump Shrimp Co. In fact, your vibes have been off for a very long time. Remember at my flapper party when you wore that hat? I asked you specifically not to wear that hat, because it makes me sad. World War I might be a joke to you, but… [iMessage typing bubble continues].

In other words, she’s perfect for reality TV. Her spat with Brynn over the latter bailing on dinner at a restaurant that shall not be named is heartening, as it proves she is willing to beef with a sentient Beanie Baby over minor transgressions, and we need that energy to keep the plot moving.

Oh, by the way, I love, love that there’s an entire B plot revolving around Erin inviting the group to a restaurant so tacky that it spawned drama. Neither Brynn nor Sai wanted to be caught (haha this is clever you’ll see) dead there, wherever it is, and Bravo repeatedly censored the restaurant’s name. The streets are saying it’s Catch, a seafood restaurant in the Meatpacking District owned in part by someone with investments in other housewives’ projects. This goes all the way to the top.

Personally, I like to believe it is Jack’s Wife Freida, because it would be incredible if they were all saying the name super fast to make it fit into a monosyllabic beep. One great thing about this iteration of Housewives, though, is that these women are so rich that they probably know and are bored with restaurants I’ve never even heard of. It reminds me that New York is a video game and I lack the experience points to explore all the levels. Jackswifefreida is likely Applebee’s, to them. Good!

Sai de Silva

Unfortunately for Sai, as things presently stand, she is “the cheese lady,” which isn’t a super covetable position for anyone to hold. In episode one, she stood accused of calling Erin’s charcuterie board “weird” for having cheese on it. She mounted a compelling defense, swearing before God that she loves cheese. I believe her.

With Cheese Gate quashed, there is no doubt she will soon transcend “cheese lady” status, and I place her up here on the list over Jessel and Erin because she had one of the most insane bobs I’ve seen on TV in a while, and I’ve seen Katie Maloney’s. I love bobs. Nothing brings me happiness quite like seeing a bob. I just think it’s a powerful and interesting thing for a person to do.

Her outfits have been great, and she seems pretty chill. Well, that’s how I feel.

Ubah Hassan

Immediately obsessed. I love when absurdly beautiful people are also strange. I like that she peppers her statements with “darling,” and I find it admirable that she dedicated a sizable chunk of precious screen time to “talking, rather generally, about bananas.” I want to vote for her in some capacity. I followed her on Instagram, and doing so felt productive. Every group needs a charmer, and I’m thinking Ubah will fit the bill. 

Here is an image I saw.

Brynn Whitfield

Brynn is the kind of woman many drag queens are aiming to be. I believe she would destroy a comedic lip sync. I love a calculated ditz, and Brynn’s “Huh? What?” gig is very appealing to me. She seems like she knows how to wiggle her way in and out of trouble with it, and I’m excited to see her stir up drama and then just as easily slink away from it. 

Also, look at this sweater… 

And look at this confessional outfit! 

If she doesn’t win this season, I’m sure she’ll win All Stars. I am ready to purchase the shirt with her catchphrase on it. 

Jenna Lyons

Look, I’m sorry, but Jenna Lyons is why I’m watching the show. It’s clear her cast-mates are a bit struck by her and unsure what to make of her appearance. They might have the same question I have: Is she really willing to get down in the dirt, sully her nice khakis, and tussle with the other girls? Is Jenna Lyons going to fight? 

The first episode doesn’t answer this. She flexes her beautiful apartment, wears her oversized glasses, and serves fondue. I like this, because it maintains her mystique. For now, she hovers over this whole operation like an ornate chandelier, and I’m left wondering if she’s going to stay there or if she’s going to do a Phantom of the Opera on us all. I am obviously hoping for the latter, but that’s just me.

See you all next week. Bravo, if you’re reading this, please send me screeners.

- John Paul