The Mean Streets of Tribeca

RHONY recapped and reviewed

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Photo by Zachary Shakked on Unsplash

Okay, listen, I know. You haven’t heard from me in a week. There hasn’t been a new column, or a new thinkety-think piece, and I’m left having to update you all through my recap of a television show that I think I might be the only one watching. This is fine. It’s all fine. Because, you know what? I promise it’s for a good cause. I have a project I’m putting together that I’ve been working on for years that I’m so, so excited to share with you soon.

But not yet.

Meanwhile, however, I’ll be getting back to regularly scheduled programming around here. I spent two weeks in my hovel and wrote something around 16,000 words in five days, perhaps the best 16,000 words I’ve ever written. During that time, I haven’t seen many people or had much fun, but what I did have was the Real Housewives of New York on Mondays (I watch it on Peacock the day after it airs). Remembering Jenna Lyons’ shoe closet kept me on my grind. 

When last we left our heroes, they were having an emotional dinner at Sai’s house and comforting Brynn after the latter shared her harrowing backstory about growing up poor and neglected. As a Brynn stan, this really made me want to give her a big hug! 

But warm fuzzies never last long here in the concrete jungle where dreams are made (oh!), and we’re finally thrown into something that roughly looks like drama this season when Erin raises the issue of Jessel calling the women “cackling hags” behind their backs. Jessel mounts the English defense, saying it’s quite common in Britain to call your close friends cackling hags. 

Jenna comes to her aid, saying she wasn’t offended, so Jessel turns to her and calls her an old cackling hag, which makes me pump my fist in the air because for the first time since I first turned this show on I think “we’ve got a real freak in our midsts,” and it’s none other than Jessel Taank, a woman whose capacity for looney behavior I clearly underestimated until now. 

Erin, not buying it, decides to step on Jessel’s toes by countering Jessel’s claims that she has work to do with something along the lines of “I didn’t even know you were gainfully employed,” which upsets Jessel and later causes her to arrange a coffee date with Erin to… smooth things over? Fight some more? Sip lattes together? It’s unclear, but Jessel is the Riddler now, and I live for it. 

Jessel, who has to brave the wild, unruly streets of Tribeca to meet Erin, sits down and seems confused herself as to why she has called this meeting. Erin takes the offensive, saying Jessel can be very particular. “So you’re calling me a princess?” Jessel says. She then gets offended by the words she put in Erin’s mouth, and says that Erin claiming that she doesn’t work is an offense to women and immigrants everywhere. I really relate to Jessel here. I, too, love to show up at a coffee shop and get mad at stuff in my head.

This all culminates in Jessel’s fashion party, where her husband infuriates me by putting a carrot stick in his champagne and saying “it’s healthier!” Shut up. I know exactly who you are now. Never show me your face again.

Anyway, Jessel’s star-studded event goes off without a hitch, and even Erin shows up. The one notable absence, however, is one Jenna Lyons, who claimed she had “an event” to go to, but in fact she was just decorating her Christmas tree with her family. Brynn points out this is hardly an event and says that Jenna keeps getting away with murder. “It’s Jenna Lyin’!” she declares. “Emphasis L-I-E!” Not how “lyin’” is spelled, Brynn, but I get the gist.

Will we get a Brynn vs. Jenna moment in the next episode? Will Erin and Jessel have another dustup? Will Sai… do something? I don’t know. That’s why I’m watching, I guess. And now it’s time for the power rankings.

Jenna Lyons

You’re in big trouble, Miss Thing. I don’t care how cute your family or your matching jumpsuits are. You signed up to be a Real Housewife, not to create cherished memories with your loved ones in this fleeting, turbulent life by the orange glow of the fireplace around Christmas Time. You leave the warmth of your family and hoof it over to Jessel’s fashion event and mingle with the terrifying Vogue columnist with Pikachu cheeks right this second. 

Sai De Silva

“I learned how to code, so I got my own website.” - Sai De Silva

Brynn Whitfield

I like that she ordered a latte at the coffee shop in fluent LGBT and that she entered a chess tournament. 

“Handjobs are back.” - Brynn Whitfield

Ubah Hassan

“Anything that’s like a job, I don’t want it.” - Ubah Hassan

Ahsoka Tano 

She was in a commercial that played on Peacock during the episode and I thought she looked really cool.

Erin Lichy

I always believed in you. From the second you clomped into RHONY threatening to strangle Brynn for ghosting on dinner at the worst restaurant in New York, I knew you’d bring the conflict. Your politics are questionable, but my thirst for reality TV drama is nonpartisan. I salute your service and I hope you inspire the other women to follow in your noble footsteps. 

Jessel Taank

Welcome to the top of the least consequential list in New York City media, Miss Taank. Bravo! Pun intended.

Jessel stirred several pots this week, and all of them came to a lovely boil and tasted like absolute swill, according to Erin sipping from her glass at Jessel’s fashion party, anyway. I’m sorry for placing you at the very bottom of the list every week and using pictures of the Grinch instead of your face. I didn’t know you were wacky like this.

See you all soon in the next ¡Hola Papi! column. If you find yourself in Tribeca, please be careful and watch your back.