The Real Preschoolers of Montessori
RHONY recap and review
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It took a few episodes for us to get here, but the Real Housewives of New York reboot is finally cooking with gas. Well, it would be cooking, if Erin had actually provided any food. So, you know. It’s more like an open flame. But there’s definitely gas, and we love that.
Don’t get me wrong, I’ve enjoyed my time with these women. The drama has been pretty low-stakes and often funny, à la Jessel’s Grinch-themed lingerie and “Cheese Gate.” Watching Jenna Lyons awkwardly situate herself on reality TV has been like watching a bird of prey put on a chicken outfit and cluck around a henhouse. Erin Lichy formally distanced herself from an attempted coup. There’s been some good times!
But I must confess, I’ve been waiting for something I can really sink my teeth into. Some actual drama and storylines. Now that the Housewives are settling into their roles and establishing who hates who, I think we’re set up for some television that goes beyond nice outfits and miscommunications. Shockingly enough, we have Erin and Jessel to thank.
This week, Erin and her husband, Abe, are throwing an anniversary party, which I didn’t know was a thing. I am a homosexual living in the untamed wilderness that lies beyond heterosexual norms, so maybe this is “something people do.” She hands out invitations complete with a list of sponsors for the event like it’s Coachella, and you can bet your skinny ass that not a single one of them is going to be providing dinner.
Jessel and Brynn poke fun at the sponsor list while shopping, and Brynn asks Jessel if she apologized for calling Erin a wrinkly woods witch who hates women. Jessel says she offered an “all-inclusive” apology that covers all her past misdeeds. Nice!
Oh, and Abe gives Erin a truly massive diamond at a tavern where, for some reason, one of the diners is eating with a stuffed penguin. Their anniversary party would probably be a lot more interesting than Erin’s.
Before we get to the big event, we cut to one of Jessel’s subplots about trying to get her child into an exorbitantly expensive preschool where he can network with Tom Cruise. The Montessori School of Aspiring Super Villains application process asks that parents write a short description of their child, wherein Jessel describes her son as “socially inept” because she mistakenly believes this is a good thing.
Jessel not knowing what “socially inept” means is a bit like the pope not knowing what “Catholic” means, which is exactly the kind of clueless behavior I need out of my reality TV stars. I must continue to applaud Jessel’s recent work on the show. She really turned around and became a crucial member of the cast out of nowhere. I hope she gets even weirder, and worse.
When we get to Erin’s party, which is held in some cavernous marbled establishment in New York, we learn a few things. For one, Jenna is now single, and she’s on the prowl for hot women or men. Go off, bicon! Brynn flirts with Erin’s husband so violently that even I think she needs to reel it in a bit, and Sai is hungry. They are all hungry, because this is an Erin Lichy party.
What else, what else? Some lady’s hair catches fire, Erin’s sister shushes the women for giggling in the back while Erin’s loved ones each deliver a Gettysburg Address about Erin and Abe’s beautiful relationship. Seriously, I’m confused. Can someone tell me if this is something people do at an anniversary party? Do we really need speeches? I’m with Sai! I want to go to Nobu!
Everyone is starving and miserable, exactly how Erin likes them. When she says it was a perfect night, I believed her! It’s a bit of a scandal, however, when Sai does an Irish exit / escapes, leaving Erin feeling wronged. Sai was, after all, the one who came down hard on Jenna for leaving Erin’s house in the Hamptons (no food there either) without saying goodbye, and so we can expect an Erin vs. Sai confrontation. I’m excited! I’m seated! Real Housewives of New York. Yes.
Ubah had covid.
And now it’s time for the power rankings!
Ubah Hassan
Had covid. You are excused from class, Ms. Hassan, though you’re starting to give “friend of.”
Jenna Lyons
Single now! Props to her for opening up about it to her best friends in the whole world. She also Zoomed with Schitt’s Creek star Emily Hampshire in a sort of infomercial about Jenna’s fake lashes line. Cool!
Sai De Silva
“I learned how to code, so I got my own website.” - Sai De Silva
Brynn Whitfield
Love my girl Brynn, and no one can accuse her of not showing up for work, but she was a bit much this episode. Brynn, you can’t just fly into someone’s anniversary party in sunglasses and start flirting with the husband! I mean, like, you can, and you should, but you know what I mean. Hopefully Jessel Taank awakening the reality TV monster within will take some of the pressure off Brynn from feeling like she needs to put in overtime to make “plot” happen.
Jessel Taank
Jessel Taank, the woman that you are! I have no notes for you. I hope your preschooler gets into the academy.
Erin Lichy
Love her or hate her, she is churning out storylines and is single handedly making this season happen with her non-stop barrage of events. She takes note of every single slight against her and is more than willing to bring it up later. Erin “The Producer” Lichy. Starve us, mother.
See you all next week!
JP